Category: Confessions

You Don’t Have To Do That – At Least, Not That Way
Confessions · Knitting · Pondering

You Don’t Have To Do That – At Least, Not That Way

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In Which Our Heroine Reflects On Who Is Truly The Boss Of Her

A grid-ruled notebook in a leather cover lies open. You can see some notes in black pen. A phone in a star-patterned case with an iridescent Pop Socket on the back and a wrist loop lies on top of the notebook.

Like many people with ADHD, I struggle with staying organized. I need routines and systems, and I feel (or have felt) that I needed to follow those specific systems To The Letter if they were going to be effective. I thought that, once I found the right System, all I would need is Discipline and Willpower. And then, everything would fall into place and be perfect forever. I just needed to Follow The Rules.

I’ve discovered that my brain doesn’t work that way. I need multiple tools and, sometimes, a tool that worked really well for me in the past doesn’t work for me now. I’ve started to realize that Rigidity and Complete Commitment to a System are actually counterproductive, which feels weird to me. Shouldn’t an easily-distracted person work better with a Strict Structure?

I’ve had these expectations of myself that I thought were coming from outside/society/friends and family. Actually, most of those expectations came from inside myself. I wanted to do things The Right Way – i.e. the way that looked like it worked for other people.

Then, I discovered How To ADHD while I was reading up on Basic Bullet Journals. (That’s a YouTube link there, and it’ll take you to the channel.) It was unbelievably helpful in helping me realize that It’s Good and Healthy for me to be Flexible. There’s no shame in my brain working differently, and it’s better to work with my brain than against it.

This feels obvious, no? But sometimes, human brains block the obvious because of the Rules. The Rules say that there’s One Right Way To Do Things. It took a bit for me to realize that there are other options, and that it’s OK to explore and figure out what works for me. Flexibility and Reflection are the keys. As long as I accomplish my goals, why should it matter to anyone else how I do that?

Well, maybe it might matter if How I Do That would also help you. So here’s a very quick summary of what’s in my Toolbox:

Right now, my Tools are:

  • B6 Slim Notebook & Pen (as a modified Bullet Journal, because Paper and Pen help me focus and it’s easier to brain dump this way)
  • Trello (my secondary brain app where all of my Bullet Journal Collections and Trackers live)
  • Google Calendar (so I don’t forget appointments)
  • Finch (my self care app that makes me happy and reminds me to do important things like Stretching and Breathing Exercises)

If you’d like to know more about any of the things I mentioned above, leave a comment and I’ll tell you more about how I use them. But remember – find what works for you! You’re the Boss of You! You get to make the Rules!

In conclusion, check out my latest Finished Object:

A knitted cowl in stripes of green, grey, orange, red, and blue on a grey background.

This is the Astronomy KAL from Gauge Dye Works. The idea was that we got to knit one stripe per day of February, and each non-grey stripe represents some sort of astronomical phenomenon. It was really fun, and I’d like to do another one.

But I finished it yesterday. Because I make the Rules.

Confessions · Introductions · Pondering

Pride & Progress 🏳️‍🌈

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In Which Our Heroine Ponders Pride, Progress And All That Entails

It’s LGBTQIA+ Pride Month! That means it’s time for me to ramble a little bit, as well as repair yet another oversight.

My wrist, complete with rainbow watchband and bisexual flag themed chain mail bracelet.

I came out as bisexual in 2020 – at least, I did to my friends, some of my family, and most of my social media at the time. But I didn’t do that here, so I am now. So, hi, I’m bi. It’s rather wild and wonderful to discover (or realize) that about one’s self in one’s mid-40s, but hey. Better late than never, right?

To be fair, being bi doesn’t really change anything about my life – at least, not to the outside world. I’m still happily married to a wonderful man, and I don’t feel the urge to be with anyone else. My family is supportive, even if my childhood church isn’t. In general, for me, coming out was pretty low-risk, and it’s turned out really well! I’m learning all kinds of things about myself. I’m growing.

I realize (oh do I ever) that I’m one of the lucky ones. It’s easy for me, relatively speaking. I live in a very liberal state. And if I didn’t, if I wanted to, I could take off my shiny bracelet and pass as completely straight. After all, I thought I was straight for most of my life.

But I refuse to take off that bracelet. I have that luxury, too. I am very unlikely to be attacked in any way for being myself. The worst I risk is a disapproving look. But keeping that flag flying will hopefully help other people to be able to do the same.

I still believe that Love will win in the end. I believe that progress is being made, even though that progress may feel like it’s under constant threat. I also believe that we all have to work together to make that happen.

I don’t mean that in a “happy shiny people holding hands” kind of way. I don’t mean that everything will be perfect, ever. Because it won’t, because we’re all human, and humans are messy and complicated and difficult.

But things can be better, and every one of us can help make it so.

Progress is what we can hope for, not perfection. Perfection means there’s no more growing to do. And while that sounds like a useless platitude, I don’t think it is.

Supporting a friend is progress. Writing to your Congressperson, whether they listen or not, is progress (if you’re in the USA). Reaching out and lifting others up wherever you can is progress. Acknowledging your own needs and resting is also progress, as is allowing others to lift you up.

Please be especially kind to yourself and others this month, friends. There’s so much more to come – both Pride and Progress.

Confessions · Ooh Shiny

An Amusing Irony

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In Which Our Heroine Remembers Something She Forgot To Say

In my last entry, I did a sort of wrap-up of 2023. It was quick and I tried to remember everything important, but I forgot something!

In 2023, I was officially diagnosed with ADHD (Inattentive Type).

No, the irony has not escaped me.

That said, being diagnosed has actually been a relief. I’m not just silly or scatterbrained – my brain literally works in a different way. Not only that, but lots of other people’s brains work in a similar way, and we have so many tools now to help us live in society without driving the people around us (and ourselves) absolutely around the bend.

I already had a lot of coping mechanisms, but I’ve been working on working with my brain instead of being mad at it for not doing what I think it should do. All of this goes along with managing my anxiety (which is often triggered by feelings of lack of control and forgetting) and working on giving myself grace. I’ve been doing a lot of experimenting (hello, Digital Bullet Journal!) and figuring out things that work in general, as well as things that are working right now but could be tweaked. I’m using the “Oooh! Shiny!” part of my brain to play with attractive organizational systems (both digital and physical) and visual cues that make me feel like I can find things and remember things.

Which leads us to my newest hobby: 3D Printing.

My first project: a Phone Stand with a Useful Divot to put my phone’s Pop Socket in!

This ticks all the boxes for me. It’s compact. It’s useful. It keeps my phone up off my desk and very accessible/viewable for me. It’s also quite sparkly and all the different colors of the Bisexual Flag (which also happen to be my favourite colors anyway). When I expressed an interest in 3D printing, Alex bought me this filament. He knew I would love it.

I’m still learning what goes into doing this successfully, but I have so many plans. I love the idea of having a customized physical organizational system that works for me. (Let me be honest – I just love the idea of customizing and organizing and having lots of things in the colors I want.) I love sorting and putting things in just the Right Place, and then knowing that they’ll be there and that they have a Home where I can find them anytime I need them.

This is going to take time, of course. Setting up Digital Systems is easier than setting up Physical Systems. (I’ll show you some of my Digital Systems in a future post.)

This is only the beginning.

Confessions · Knitting

New Beginnings

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In Which Our Heroine Ponders The Benefits of Starting Over

Isn’t this a lovely-looking bit of shawl knitting?

This is the “Promise Me” Shawl by Boo Knits, from her In Love Collection. My mother found this gorgeous gradient and wasn’t sure what to do with it. She admired my own Promise Me, and I offered to knit her one because she is my mother and she adores everything knitted I’ve ever made for her.

However.

I was almost 8 rows into Repeat 3 of the Lace Pattern (which you can knit as many times as you like to expand the body of the shawl) when I realized that I wasn’t going to have enough yarn to knit both that and the edging. Since I didn’t feel like playing yarn chicken, I started tinking back, stitch by stitch, carefully tracking my rows so that I could start the edging at the right place.

Around Row 6, I dropped a stitch. Seriously dropped. Through several rows of yarnovers and decreases.

(Dropped Stitch Not Pictured Because It Was Too Terrible For Sensitive Knitters’ Eyes)

At that point, I had a choice. I could either struggle and try going beyond my expertise to either figure out how to pick up the stitch or hold it until I could tink back to that point, or I could undo the whole thing and start again.

I ripped it out (gently) last night and started over this morning.

As I began the process of casting on for the second time, I thought about how beneficial starting over can be. In this case, I have lost nothing but my own time, and I still don’t think that was truly lost. I’m back in the rhythm of this pattern, I know I’m going to have enough yarn to finish it, and it will still look gorgeous when it’s finished. I feel like the first attempt was a rough draft, and now I have a plan that I know will work. Uncertainty has been replaced with certainty, and I have gained both experience and practice.

There are many other times in life when this choice applies: Fix it, or start over? The correct answer depends on your priorities and your state of mind, as well as what’s healthy for you. Just because you’ve put time into something already doesn’t mean that you have to keep going as you are. You can either go back and fix things, or, if that’s not possible, you can make a fresh start – whatever that looks like to you.

I’m keeping this thought firmly in mind as we end 2022 and look forward to 2023. May it bring hope to your heart as it has to mine.

Confessions · Pondering

On Time: How It’s Going

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In Which Our Heroine Reflects On Modern Times And Her Attempts To Manage

Time is a strange thing. Lately, it feels particularly illusory – like it’s gone in a flash. At the same time, I feel as though I have nowhere near enough time to do the things I want to do. This is mainly because, when I sit down to do the things I want to do, I keep getting interrupted by either the things I have to do or the Existential Unease that seems to be a side effect of simply existing in the world today.

For me, a lot of that Existential Unease comes from feeling a lack of control. I don’t feel like I can plan things like meetings or even time to myself, because emergencies and cancellations seem continuous. My focus is dogged by constant reminders of the uncertainty of life. I feel like I never know what’s going to happen next, and that bothers me (to put it extremely mildly). It also makes it very difficult for me to manage my time and my goals.

It’s important to acknowledge all of that. Doing so allows me to look at what’s not working so that I can adjust and do something that does work. I also need to acknowledge that I can’t control other people’s behavior or the laws of time and space. However, I can control how I handle my own life and set boundaries for myself around my time. The whole point of time management is to make it so that I can get through the ‘have tos’ efficiently so I can spend time on the ‘want tos.’

I also need to give myself a break. Sometimes, things don’t work out the way I planned them. Looking at the circumstances surrounding that will help me do better next time – or just let it go if it turns out there was no way I could have controlled or foreseen the outcome. That’s all part of figuring out what works and what doesn’t.

An excellent practical example of this for me is this Blog. I had every intention of posting an entry at least once a month. I plugged that task into Habitica and started organizing ideas. I have a System (more on that in another entry) that has worked well for me for my Bullet Journal, though I’d never used it to organize a writing project before. Every month I missed, I got upset with myself. I would sit down to write and obsess about creating a Real Blog Entry that would be witty and informative (or, at least, witty). And then I’d freeze up, close the document, and go do something else, and the Entry would remain a disjointed bunch of unpublished snippets.

And honestly, I’ve realized that’s just plain silly.

This Blog is never going to be perfect, but it can get better. And the only way that’s going to happen is if I practice. So, I’ve given up on thinking of each Blog Entry as a polished, finished thing. I’ve started thinking of them as Published Practice instead. And in order to practice, I need to devote more time to that practice. And that’s not going to happen unless I carve out actual blocks in my schedule for it. I have to develop a regular habit of writing.

And how am I going to manage that, when I don’t have a regular schedule and never know when I’m going to be interrupted? I need to do some analysis of my current System and habits and have a look at my calendar. I need to come up with a Plan. And I know I’m going to need some help – both from actual people and from my handy-dandy electronic devices.

I’ll let you know how that goes next time, Dear Reader.

Keep well until then!

Confessions · Mailings

An Octopus And A Gentleman

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In Which Our Heroine Discovers That Things Do Not Always Go As Planned

Sometimes, I like to provide art to my pen pals when I write to them. (Sometimes, I like to provide brightly-colored hamster stickers. But I digress.) For my most recent letter, I decided that I would do a sketch of myself reading a letter and then write the actual letter in a giant speech bubble so it would look as though I was reading the letter to my pen pal. (I may still do this someday. I may also develop a line of stationery of random things reading letters to people. It would be fun.)

I started drawing. My drawing of humans is a bit rusty, so my first sketch didn’t turn out too well. (I did discover, however, that Clairefontaine Triomphe paper is delightful to draw on.) I tried a different pose, and that was worse. After a good deal of erasing and sketching and erasing and sketching and erasing and generally being dissatisfied, I gave up and drew this:

Yes. I drew an octopus in a top hat and a monocle. Sometimes, that just happens.

I am totally going to clean him up and put him on my calling cards. Can you imagine anything more elegant?

(My pen pal letter wound up being decorated with the hamster stickers. What can I say? Art next time.)

Confessions · Pondering

This Is Important.

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In Which Our Heroine Continues To Ponder The Importance Of Writing Things Down

I am a Writer. I have never been published, partially because I am Very Bad at Finishing Stories. (It turns out you have to Finish Stories in order to Get Stories Published. Fancy that.) However, I am Excellent at Writing Down Ideas.

Today, I read something Very Important over at Strange Ink, which is Kat Howard’s blog. She says, “The words on the page are the only ones people can read.”

I just want to repeat that for emphasis:

The words on the page are the only ones people can read.

It seems so simple, but it’s so profound. I think this is also something that Aspiring Writers (whether writing a letter or a story) forget. If we don’t record our thoughts, our characters, our ideas, then no one will ever be able to read them. Those things will be lost forever. These ephemerae will only be preserved by being nailed securely to a page, whether that page is in a notebook or on a computer.

Are you a Writer? Write. Write early, write often. Write and write and write. Nail those ideas down, keep them, don’t let them escape.

The words on the page are the only ones people can read.

Confessions · Mailings

Some Notes on Notebooks (and Notepaper)

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In Which Our Heroine Confesses To An Addiction Or Two

I love notebooks. Each bundle of paper is a work of art, brimming with beautiful potential, waiting to be filled with thoughts. Some of those thoughts may develop into stories, finished drawings, or letters. Others may be complete in themselves, inky records of a passing inspiration or reminder.

Imagine, if you will, a mind like mine, confronted with a display of notebooks. These notebooks may be physically in front of me, or they may be attractively ranged across my computer screen. My mind is already planning what I would write in each one, whether it would reside on my desk or be carried in my purse, how just owning this notebook would encourage me to write, make my writing better, make my life more organized.

Before I know it, I’ve fallen for one (or more) of the beautiful covers and promises of perfect paper, traipsed over to the checkout counter (or clicked my way to my Virtual Shopping Cart), and voila! I am the proud owner of yet another attractively-bound package of paper potential.

This is why I have a closet drawer full of notebooks, lined and blank, large and small. Some of them have one page filled with a sketch or a few notes, which is a pity. If they were still completely blank, I could give them away to friends who would use them.

The trouble is that tastes change with the times. I used to carry a backpack practically everywhere, so carrying a large notebook or sketchbook with me at all times seemed more reasonable. (I was a student, so carrying a lot of heavy books was less of an issue back then.) Nowadays, my pack is much smaller, both for space and health reasons. It turns out that carrying a large backpack with everything in it you might need if you had the attention span of a concussed goldfish about with you at all times is not precisely good for your back, your knees, your ankles, or any of your other joints. Thus, the notebook I carry with me everywhere (more on this in a future blog entry) is considerably smaller and more of a combination notebook and sketchbook. Not only that, but I have become quite fond of writing with fountain pens, which means I have been forced to become much, much pickier about paper and ink.

Thus, many of my older notebooks have been deemed “unsuitable” for daily carry and left in the drawer. (I really should pull them out for drawing at home. I hate waste.)

In any case, on to the True Confession: Not only did I purchase two notebooks during my recent trip to New York, but I have also ordered ink and stationery. Remember how I said that part of the reason for me to start this whole letter-and-art-sending habit was to try to use up my stationery supplies? Well…that’s been rather a failure so far. On the bright side, it means that I can soon do some reviews of the new paper and inks, once I’ve started using them.

To be fair, I sent my first LWA Pen Pal Letter on paper that I already had in my drawer. I was very proud of myself–old paper, written nicely, with hand-drawn art (snails) on both letter and envelope. However, did I remember to scan, or even photograph, my work before I sent it off? I did not. I may have gotten a little overexcited. Still, we shall see what comes of it. I hope she writes back soon.

I also received my first letter from my second LWA Pen Pal! I wrote back to her the same day (no photos of that, either–I am sorry), and that went in the mail yesterday. I’m very excited about her–we have so many interests in common! I hope she writes back soon.

Today’s mail included a small note to an Aunt with whom I had lost touch. We used to send mail art to one another long, long ago, and I am hoping to rekindle that tradition with her.

At this point, all of my stationery has arrived, and also more ink from J. Herbin. I just can’t resist those little canisters!

What have you been writing lately? Have you bought anything fun? Have you written to a friend? Have you made a new one?